IN AN EFFORT TO HELP YOU YANKEES UNDERSTAND THE RURAL SOUTHERNER’S MINDSET, THE FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH YANKEE AS THEY CROSS THE MASON-DIXON LINE.
1) That slope-shouldered farm boy you snickered at has done more work before breakfast then you will do all week at the “gym”
2) Those rough paths are called “gravel roads”. No matter how slow you drive you will get dust on your new navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way
3) That red dirt you see.... it’s called “red clay”. If you like the color, don’t wash your car for a couple of weeks - it’ll be permanent. The big lumps of red clay are called clods.
4) We all started hunting and fishing when we were 6 or 7 years old. Yeah we saw “Bambi”..... We got over it.
5) Any references to “corn-fed” when talking about our women-folk will get you whipped on by those same women-folk.
6) Go ahead and bring you $600 Orvis fly rod. But don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for - “bait”
7) You young boys had better pull up your pants. We don’t wanna see your “draws” nor your “crack” and we will tell you about it in no uncertain terms.
9) If you go hunting with us and your “cell phone” rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.... you might want to make sure it’s not up to your ear when we do.
8) Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose, tongue and whatevers and wear your hair long, go right ahead. But don’t get mad when we call you “ma’am”. After all only girls look good in long hair.
10) That’s right, whiskey is only 2 bucks here.We can buy a fifth for what you paid at the airport for one drink. We also have a local version called “shine”. It’ll strip the paint off you car if you spill it while pouring it into the gas tank. After all it was the worlds first “bio-fuel”.
11) No, there is not “vegetarian special” on the menu here. Order steak, Order it any way you want it cooked, or you can order the chef salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham, turkey, and chicken.
12) Tea... yeah we have it. It comes in a glass with ice and LOTS of sugar. You want it hot, set it in the sun for a bit. You want it un-sweetened, ad a LOT of water...
13) If you bring “coke” into my house, it had better be wet, brown and served over ice, otherwise we will treat it (and you) like that cell phone you went hunting with.
14) So, you have a $60,000 dollar car that you only drive during the summer. Hey we’re real impressed, but we have a $250,000 dollar combine that we only drive for 2 weeks each year.
15) Let’s get this straight right now. We have 1 red light in town. We stop when it is RED and we may even stop when it is Yellow. We don’t drive and yak on a cell phone since that may cause us to miss that pretty girl / handsome guy we pass on the street. It may also get us pulled over for driving stupidly.
16) Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks and tractors because they want to. So you’re a feminist... Isn’t that “cute”.
17) We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah even at breakfast), we go to church on Sundays and Wednesday nights. We go to the high school football games on Friday nights and we still address our seniors with yes sir or yes ma’am and we sometimes take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
18) W don’t do “hurry up” very well. If fact telling us to “hurry up” just causes us to “slow down”. We aren’t backwards but we are a bit stubborn.
19) Greens.... yeah we have them. You don’t putt on them... you boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.
20) Yes, we eat catfish, bass, and carp too. You really want sushi and caviar.... Try the bait shop...
21) We raise pigs, Yes, they smell that way, get over it. If you can’t take the smell pick any road leading out of town back north and stop eating bacon or ham.
22) “Grits” are corn. You put butter, salt, pepper and maybe even some sausage on them. You want milk and sugar... that’s “cream of wheat” and you’ll want to go to Kansas. Go north to St Louis and turn left.
23) The “opener” refers to the first day of hunting season, Around here both are holidays. You can get pancakes, syrup and sausage before daylight at the local church.